ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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