Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
false alarm, still single
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
