I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
