I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
