My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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