wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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