every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
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Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
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Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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