Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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