A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
