I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
