I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
