i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
