Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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