i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
