At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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