There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
