I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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