Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
