im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
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I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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