My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
