mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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