I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My day in three words: secret purse cake
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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