That's intense
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
