So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
