I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I love you.
Bad choice
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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