can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
