You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
