JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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