There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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