my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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