it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
