I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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