What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
