Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
i think i just lost a toe
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
