On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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