He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
