Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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