my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
