new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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