I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
