you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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