I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
