Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day