she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.