I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
