I bet he comes in French.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
