some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
