all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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