Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
