I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
