Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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