I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
