I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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