My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
