Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
