My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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