what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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