now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
